WELL.... it has been a
tough week. First let me ask the question.." How do you
get along with someone who doesn't choose to let the other
person in and has a guard up all the time because of your past?"
My dearest mother in law has made it clear she doesn't trust
me because of my past. AND so im at a crossroads. Ben
and I have come to a point where its his mother or me. He has
chosen me and to stand and support me. Which i appreciate but
all the same. it should not have gotten to this point where there had
to be an ultimatum to make any of us feel supported.. i dont feel
that he should HAVE to choose. Im sorry that Kristin cant just accept
me for me. And know that i have changed completely . Over the last
few days i have pondered that in order to change, you YOURSELF have
got to change and be willing to change. I personally have changed my
attitude about my past and have accepted it. No one can live in the
moment or hope for the future and proceed without letting go and
living just for the now. But if the past keeps getting brought
up of course there is going to be hell especially if i feel judged.
Believe it or not, we do choose our thoughts. We may habitually
think the same thought over and over so that it doesn't seem
as if were choosing the thought but we did make the original choice.
I also realized that the road to freedom is through
the doorway to forgiveness. We may not know how to forgive and
we may not want to forgive but if were willing to forgive we may
beging the healing process to a better happier inner peace. Im not
saying that is all right that someone behaved in a misguided way,
however we must be aware that the past is over. we only carry the
hurt and the memory in our mind. is is what we want to let go
of. the pain were continuing to cause ourselves because we wont
forgive. I find that the resentment criticism, guilt and fear
cause most of the problems in ourselves and in our lives. these
feelings come from blaming others and not taking responsibility for
our own experiences. whatever is happening " out there"
is only a mirror of our own inner thinking. I have
accepted that i have not been the most perfect human being and i have
made many mistakes. but that doesn't show who i am nor
should i be judged none the less. I am me. I am family. We have
all got to accept each others qualities and move on. It is becoming
childish and i will not stand for that to be around my sons.
Hatred consumes. I choose to forgive but i choose not to respect
unless i feel i have been seen for who i am instead of what i was.
