Little bit of this and Little bit of that.

I admit. This week has been emotionally draining. Finding out i have cancer is really not the most motivational thing especially when you just had a baby and all those hormones are going crazy already. Seeing how i have handled it though has been good.   Ive focused my energy and time on my kids and tried not to worry about the trials in my life bringing me down. I found it helpful to clean, pray, and watch movies.    

Jaspers Birthday is tomorrow and he is going to be my big two year old.  I dont want him growing up. He is such a sweet boy. I love the time i have with him. Knowing that these two are going to be the only children i will be having encourages me to take advantage of every moment with Jazz and Shy,  They will be grown up and not needing my help anymore soon. Jazz will be out of diapers and using the" big boy seat" and Shy will be where Jasper is soon enough.   MAKES ME GO CRAZY!!   

Life changing news

Sleep has never become such an awesome thing.  If i had a birthday wish, it would be to be able to sleep for two hours at the most.  Shiloh is up every thirty minutes to an hour to eat in the night and he stays up. Last night he was screaming the whole night.  It became apparent that Shiloh is nothing like Jasper was.  Its not a bad thing   just a very big adjustment...

Yesterday i found out i have ovarian cancer.   I got my cervics frozen and will have to have my tubes tied to avoid more active cells reproducing,  When i heard that, the doctor talking became a blur and all i heard was

* cancer...

* tubes tied

* never can have kids again

* radiation

My heart sank and i became physically ill. I never thought i would ever say i would be a cancer patient, but at the age of 22 i now can say it,  im terrified.  I am a cancer victim.

I JUST LOVE THEM TO BITS!

After a long day of wanting to just sleep and never wake up. And after taking Shiloh to his first doctors appointment ( which went alright other than he screamed his brains out)  I walked into the living room to find it a complete mess after i JUST cleaned everything in the whole house hahaha and right as i was about to just break down and ball my eyes out and i saw this....

and it made me realize that i have the most beautiful family and no matter how hard the day is,  i can always come home or into a room and see their smiling faces...even if the room is a complete mess.

But when i saw their faces smiling at me, i couldnt help but smile back and realize, " its ok."

Jasper + Shiloh

 Jasper is finally warming up to the little guy.   He doesn't get so angry anymore. There is still jealousy there... and loneliness at times, but in all reality he is warming up great.  Im kicking postpartum in the butt. ( With me, keep in mind that when i go through postpartum depression, i dont act like i dont want to see the baby, what i go through is different, i cant be away from my baby at all. i dont want anyone accept me and my husband to touch him, and i get way clingy and i dont take care of myself because im to focused on taking care of the baby.  i put everyone first accept myself)   I feel like im getting to my regular self again. Which is great!    I am so glad that i have such a caring husband and awesome boys to get me through this hard time.   It has been extremely hard ( the recovery process)  I have alot of health problems that have caused me to go down hill fast. So i am grateful for everyones love and support.    But i am so grateful that Jazz is warming up to my little Shiloh.   I love those boys so much.    They are my everything.

Spring is HERE

Lately when i looked outside it HAS NOT seemed like it was spring.  It was quite the downer... so when i was out today with my boy just playin i spotted a lily flower in a bunch of grass that was dead from the snow etc.. and i had to snap a photo.   It reminded me of spring and it also reminded me of even though the world around you may suck.. and things are ugly, you can stand strong and bloom into something beautiful. 

My Shiloh

Two Brothers... Bonded Forever!

Jasper finally got to meet his new baby brother. He handled it quite well. Although i dont think he knows that this baby is a "permeant thing" he was happy until he saw everyone paying attention and wanting to take pictures of the baby.  He started getting angry and acting out. Luckily i have a wonderful husband who played with him and i watched Ice Age with him in the hospital room :) I must admit.. i have to learn how to get used to having two baby boys and finding a balance in giving both of them the right amount of attention. I am so grateful i have Ben here the first two weeks to help me learn the balance.  I am one PROUD mommy.

Just out of Gods arms to mine.

He's here:)   My angel baby. Shiloh William Miller entered this world at 3:28 pm.  Weighing 6 pounds and 1 ounce.  I only pushed for 12 minutes. It went smoothly and fast.   He is Beautiful and looks so much different than baby Jazzy did.   Jasper looked exactly like i did when i was born. Shiloh has Benjamins mothers looks.   He has Taylors elf ears. :) I have always wanted a baby with elf ears and I GOTS ONE NOW!!!   He is such a blessing. SO cute. Just barely sent out of heaven to me. It makes you wonder if they miss it at first or remember it.  I love this little guy. Jasper will love him. His daddy is obsessed with the little guy:)   We are a happy family. This is my little family. I am one proud Momma!

In the life of Jasper

I love my little boy.  He is literally so active and so full of life.  i thought i would take the time in show you some of his many talents. And what he does daily and how he is. I am so lucky to have such an adorable little boy ever. He makes so many things just brighten up. When he walks into a room, everyone smiles because he aura is just so bright ( accept nursery...he hates that place ) . :) couldn't be more blessed.

Induced Wednesday !!!!!

Well, i get induced Wednesday :)   FINALLY!!! Im pretty excited. Just not so excited about delivering at Lakeview hospital.. i grew up around LDS. i have two parents who are doctors who work at LDS. So i feel like i know the place really well and am comfy there. Plus i had Jasper there. :( so its a big adjustment to me.   I have gotten everything i need for the baby.. i still need to sanitize the whole house still. I have two days to get things done! I finally have motivation again!!! I cant wait to see my baby!! AHHHHH!!!! ON ANOTHER NOTE!

My brother is now in my ward :) this makes me excited:) it gives me a chance to see him more and his family:) it makes me way happy!   he is walking distance from my house too!